We had a guest speaker at our last support group meeting. She shared her journey of addiction to prescription drugs, as well as her battle with anorexia. She was honest, forthright and candid about her struggles.
Keep in mind that these are her thoughts and opinions, based on what she has experienced and learned through her walk with addiction and eating disorders.
She felt it was very important to get the anxiety under control. We know ED’s are an anxiety based disease. She felt that once her anxiety was better controlled, she was able to deal with the other areas in her life that needed work.
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She recalled as early as kindergarten feeling ashamed due to the fact that she had failed a vision test. She was pulled out of line and set aside. Most kids would not think much of it; however, she felt ashamed she had failed. This is a perfect example of what Jenni Schaefer says about eating disorders: genetics loads the gun, society pulls the trigger.
As she spoke, her feelings mirrored many of the symptoms that plague our loved ones.
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She also said that entering treatment for an eating disorder, in her case anorexia, was much like a heroin addict experiencing the symptoms of withdrawal – the vomiting, cramping, etc., except for those with eating disorders, it’s all on the inside. Quite a sobering visual, isn’t it?
She also said her siblings were good at sports – she did not excel at sports, but her dad always did tell her she was pretty; hence, she felt valued only by her looks. She also made decision to please others even if it was not what she wanted to do. She did not allow herself to have a voice.
Someone asked her if her family was involved in her treatment – back then, as was true with my own daughter, the family was not involved in the treatment process. We now know how important it is for the whole family to receive help. She recalled coming back from treatment and her mom hugging her and saying “we will never let you go back there”. She said that her parents thought they could “love” her through it. While being supportive and loving is important, it is certainly not the only thing. She said it is important to get your voice back and face your anxieties. She said her parents should have continued to encourage her to get help.
She also said she felt she knew what people were feeling and thinking. We have often talked in group about how sensitive individuals with eating disorders are – once described to me as having lots of “antennas” – they feel everyone is talking about them, looking at them, making judgments about them.
One point she made, and I really liked this one – it is important to ask those in treatment from eating disorders “What did you hear me say?” We all know what we say and what they hear is different. Sufferers live life with an ED filter – their perception is very skewed. I think this is an excellent way to handle a difficult situation. It would also help them to see that their reality is not our reality.
She also recommended a couple of books, Strengths Finder 2.0 and Deadly Emotions.
At the end of the meeting one of the other members also made an excellent suggestion – to ask the sufferer when they are making demands, etc., or you feel they are being unreasonable – to ask them if they are trying to control or assert. This should give them pause to see what is behind what they are trying to say. As stated above, it is important to find their voice, but as caregivers, we have to know who is talking – their true self or the eating disorder.
Family members must also be prepared to do their own work to support and encourage the recovery process. The main obstacle I faced was coming to terms with the fact that I could not "fix" my daughter. I, too, needed to learn more constructive ways to cope.
