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Health & Fitness

My Perfect Museum Home

Top 10 tips to maintain a perfectly clean home – maybe!

The home we recently left in Connecticut suffered from many years of wear-and-tear as well as child-rearing.

When we moved to our brand-new home in San Ramon several weeks ago, we vowed to keep this one "museum perfect."

We're empty-nesters now, so it should be easy, right? Not so much – easy-to-scratch floors and countertops, special cleaning products.

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What to do?

My solution: Make up a handbook, a rule book, really, so it is easy to remember what to do and what NOT to do!

Here are my top 10 tips:

1. All shoes must be removed at the entryway of the house in order to prevent dirt from being spread throughout. (Of course, we haven't yet resolved the issue of what to do when the feet get dirty – can't take THEM off!)

2. No guests should help prepare food in the home so the kitchen is maintained to our standards. Should any crumbs drop, they must be picked up by the dustbuster. (Note: The dustbuster must not directly touch the floor or the countertop in order to avoid scratching. Simply hover over the crumbs until they are sucked in.)

3. The countertop must be cleaned using the official countertop cleaning product. (Please refer to the Index of Acceptable Household Products found in a binder in a cabinet in the garage.)

4. ​All trash (defined as non-food, non-organic) must be put into the trash compactor since trash is collected only once a week. The compactor should be used as follows: Compactor door must be swung open, receptacle must be pulled out, trash must be carefully inserted into center of receptacle. (Note: Should there be any question about how to correctly follow this methodology, refer to the Trash Compactor for Dummies manual, located in some random cabinet in the garage.)

5. No food is to be consumed in any area of the house except the kitchen/nook table or the kitchen island. Exception is Thanksgiving, when food may be consumed in the dining room, although turkey cannot be prepared in the oven because it is too messy. On occasion, if in a hurry, it is okay to stand over the sink, inhaling food – provided that all food droppings land in the portion of the sink housing the garbage disposal.

6. No hall lights should be left on overnight, and this applies to overnight guests as well. Every bedroom has a bathroom, so why on earth would anyone need to be in the hall?

7. When attempting to touch any stainless steel surface, it is crucial that no fingerprints be left on any such surface. Always use latex gloves borrowed from the doctor's office for touching the sink, oven, stove, or refrigerator.

8. When using the toilet, flush often to prevent clogs. Do not flush too often, however, because California is very conservation-conscious and the state doesn’t need any more waste or taxes.

9. Coasters must be used at all times at any table, such as the family room glass coffee table and the kitchen/nook glass table. This is to protect the table from ruinous stains caused by drops of water on the glass, as well as the dreaded fingerprints. When not in use, all coasters must be kept off the tables and put away in a kitchen drawer. Search all drawers until you find the correct coaster storage one.

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10. Potholders must be kept no closer than 16 ½ inches from the stovetop to avoid having the potholders catch fire and burn the house down.

Following the guidelines we established has helped me maintain my home and has given me the structure I need to relax and enjoy my new museum – er, home!

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